Day Three: What's the Speed Limit on an Exit Ramp?

     Wow. What a day. What a FUCKING day. Yesterday, Joey and I made that deal that we'd have a great day today. Looks like the universe didn't care about that one.

     I woke up to my wonderful boyfriend giving me not only my medication, but lots of loving attention and kind words. We ate breakfast in bed and then proceeded to get ready for our "great day". After we were dressed and ready to go, we stopped by Starbucks for some coffee, and ran into one of Joey's old friends who had graduated from USF this morning. We bonded over our mutual love of Disney and Harry Potter, and parted ways with plans to do a mud run as a big group. Then the trouble began...

     As we were getting onto the exit ramp for I-4 to go to the Suncoast Primate Sanctuary, someone cut us off and clipped the front passenger side of Joey's car. He pulled over, and when we pulled up next to him, he proceeded to start yelling at Joey. I told them both to stop it immediately, and Joey pulled over in front of him so they could exchange insurance information. I got out of the car hoping to diffuse the anger between them both, but only ended up losing my shit completely.

     The other driver was immediately on the defense, yelling at Joey. I again told him he needed to stop because it wasn't helping anything. He started to yell at me and of course, I yelled back. I lost control of myself completely and just went off on this guy. We were both screaming and pointing in each other's faces while Joey told the guy he was calling the police and it would behoove him to stop yelling obscenities at me. As Joey called the police, the conversation between the other driver and I went something like this...

Dick: Do you know what the speed limit is on the highway?!
Me: Do you know what the speed limit is on an exit ramp? Why don't you Google that you mother fucking piece of shit.
Dick: Where are you going? East or West?
Me: It doesn't matter where we were going, we were in this lane and you cut us off and clipped the front end of the car.
Dick: Come look at my car!!! (I follow him to his car while we both yell obscenities at each other) That is a rear side ding, that means it's your fault!
Me: Oh yeah? Your car has a tiny ding, the front end of our car has your paint scratched right into it. That means YOU hit US. You're just mad because it's your fault and I'm calling you out on it.
Dick: Get back in your car bitch.
Me: Don't fucking tell me what to do. Does it make you feel like a big man? Yelling at a little girl?
Dick: Yeah...it does you mother fucker.

     This continued on for about 15 minutes before he finally walked away and I shouted, "Yeah, walk away. I hope you fucking get a ticket you fuckbag."

     Another car had pulled up behind him, and I wasn't sure if it was someone who was travelling with him or just someone pulling over to check out the situation. We were going back and forth fairly heavily, with fingers pointed in each other's faces, and a few times I felt like he was going to get physical and try to hit me. When he walked away, he walked over to the other car, and I finally got back in the car to wait for the police to show up.

     As soon as I sat down, I started sobbing. I couldn't believe that I had lost control of myself so badly that I was screaming at some guy on the side of the highway. It was totally unnecessary and out of character for me. I had already taken my Klonopin for the day, so I didn't have anything to help calm me down. Joey did his best to talk me through it but I still couldn't stop crying.

     When the police finally showed up, we found out that the other car was actually a witness, who corroborated our entire story. He saw the guy cut us off, and told the police that we had been in our lane the entire time and this guy was going between the lanes trying to get in front of everyone, where he eventually cut us off and caused the accident. He also told the police how he was verbally assaulting me, and basically made it seem like the guy was at fault for everything, including our argument. We finally were able to speak to the police, and give our side of the story. As it all came out, I was completely honest about the part I played in the argument, and the officer agreed that the guy was being ridiculous but that I didn't help the situation. He chuckled a bit and said I was poking at him verbally, and got under his skin pretty badly. I admitted my fault in that my reaction was over the top, I also told him that I was recently diagnosed bi-polar and had just started a new medication regimen and that I completely lost it when this guy kept yelling at Joey that it was his fault, when it clearly was not.

     When it was all over, the other driver got a ticket, and we were told to just be careful and try to enjoy the rest of our day. I looked up what kind of fine the ticket carries, and apparently he's going to get 4 points on his license and a maximum fine of $500. I hope the police officer wrote him a big ticket, and I hope his day was ruined. For the readers not familiar with the points system, certain moving violations can cause a driver to have "points" put on their license, and after a certain amount of points, your license can be taken away. Also, if you have points on your license, additional moving violations will incur a larger fine. The cost of your car insurance will also rise exponentially.

     We decided to go to the primate sanctuary anyways, even though it was already 1 pm at this point. The place was an hour away, and closed at 4, but it seemed like the best idea at the time to continue with our plans for the day and try to forget about what happened. We were both on edge the rest of the day, and even bickered a bit on the way home. Side note: the Suncoast Primate Sanctuary is abysmal and should be shut down. The animals are in such small enclosures that I can't imagine that they are at all happy. I didn't want to support that place with my money, so I'm happy that we got a Groupon for the admission and did not pay full price. I don't recommend going, unless you're okay with seeing miserable animals in tiny cages, or you want to be a vigilante and free them all.

     Speaking of Groupon, we bought one for our favorite hamburger restaurant, and went there for dinner. I had wine and a delicious hamburger with fries, and so I was fairly happy once we finally got to eat something and decompress a little bit. After our wonderful dinner, we went to Target and got Ben and Jerry's Pistachio ice cream, which only served to make us happier. Both of us are still a little edgy, and in desperate need of sleep.

     I have to work tomorrow, and I'll be at work for 14 hours. I'm scared of how that's going to go, because I thought I'd be able to handle myself better. Obviously that's not accurate, but I'm going to do my best to be my regular self. Whatever that means. Hopefully tomorrow will be a boring day, and my update won't be as lengthy. I don't think I've ever wished for "boring" in my entire life, but I can't stand the thought of losing myself at work.

Day Two: Flustered but Friendly

     Sike. I was completely rude all day long.

     Joey and I both had appointments with our general practitioners today, so of course I acted like a complete loon from the moment I woke up late until I got to the office. My new nurse practitioner is great and I'm really glad that I found someone I like. They did a blood draw to check my thyroid levels and general stuff.

     After the appointment, we had to drop off Joey's prescriptions. His regular pharmacy didn't have all the meds he needed, so we drove all over the place to find somewhere to fill them. While that was going on, I was a complete bitch the entire time. Joey ended up reaching what I'll call a breaking point and snapped at me, telling me to just stop.

     When we were finally done with all of that, it was around 4 pm, and I hadn't eaten all day and I was emotionally drained. I took a klonopin, we made a frozen pizza, and went on a cleaning spree. Cleaning always makes me feel better, and now I have clean clothes and fresh bed sheets. We also washed, dried, and put away all the dishes in the kitchen. Sometimes it's the little things that make a difference in how you feel.

     I was prescribed Abilify on Wednesday to help with my bursts of anger. Turns out, my insurance doesn't cover it. The cost without insurance is...drumroll please... $1097. What the eff? I can't even wrap my mind around that.

     So, without Abilify, and with no way to get a prescription for something similar without another office visit, I'm stuck for two weeks with this piss poor attitude. I decided I'm going to take this as an opportunity to try to control my emotions without medication, and experiment with different breathing and thinking exercises to help.

     I sat with Joey and had a long conversation about how sorry I am for my behavior, and how I'm going to try everything I can to be more in control of myself. I don't know how he can be so understanding when I'm literally acting like a child. With my dosage of benzodiazepines being lowered so drastically, I can't use medication as a crutch anymore. This whole diagnosis and new medication regimen is going to be a rollercoaster, and I just hope that my relationship with Joey will be strong enough to get through all of the trial and error that's about to come. Medication isn't a new thing for me, but being so aggressively medicated and having to rely on myself to control my anxiety and negative behavior is something new.

     For now, it's Bob's Burgers and Chinese food time. Tomorrow promises to be a better day, and Joey and I made a deal that we would have a great day together tomorrow. I bought a Groupon for a primate sanctuary, so it should be easy to have a good day.

Day One: Why the Fart Should I Care?

     I'm 26 years old, in the prime of my life, and I'm told that I'm bi-polar. When I think about it, it makes sense I suppose. I was taking Lexapro and Ativan for a while, ending up with a dose of 2mg of Ativan, three times a day. It was like a band-aid for what was really happening. All of my anger, depression, happiness, etc., was only being subdued by a gigantic portion of benzodiazepines. I was eventually prescribed, in addition to the aforementioned drugs, Trileptal. This drug made me go insane. I was mean, sad, and rude.

     Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist, and she completely changed my medication. I was put on 300mg of Lithium, once in the morning and twice at night. 1mg of Klonopin once a day, and Hydroxyzine every 8 hours to help with the transition off of Ativan. I'm also prescribed Abilify, but the pharmacy and the doctor apparently have to do some sort of ritualistic dance so that I can be given this medication. Because of such, I am unable to take that as of now.

     I thought it would be important to blog about this experience because I found such a lack of reliable information while I was researching Lithium. I also wanted to have something my psychiatrist and therapist could see, and wanted to put something out there to help my family and friends understand what I'm going through. So here it is: my 30 day journey with Lithium.

     I woke up late today, my day off. Joey wanted to go to the gym, and so I obliged. I took my doses of lithium, hydroxyzine, and an EpiBurnPro. I really pushed it at the gym, and felt like vomiting after about 30 minutes of rigorous exercise. Afterwards, Joey and I bought some tequila for Cinco de Mayo, and went shopping to make a Mexican dinner.

    I snapped angrily twice this morning, but have been relatively docile since I took a Klonopin and Hydroxyzine. I took my bedtime lithium, and am trying to finish the new episode of Game of Thrones. If I fall asleep, I'll be pissed. I probably need to sleep, but a girl has to have priorities. And right now, John Snow is that priority.