Day Two: Flustered but Friendly

     Sike. I was completely rude all day long.

     Joey and I both had appointments with our general practitioners today, so of course I acted like a complete loon from the moment I woke up late until I got to the office. My new nurse practitioner is great and I'm really glad that I found someone I like. They did a blood draw to check my thyroid levels and general stuff.

     After the appointment, we had to drop off Joey's prescriptions. His regular pharmacy didn't have all the meds he needed, so we drove all over the place to find somewhere to fill them. While that was going on, I was a complete bitch the entire time. Joey ended up reaching what I'll call a breaking point and snapped at me, telling me to just stop.

     When we were finally done with all of that, it was around 4 pm, and I hadn't eaten all day and I was emotionally drained. I took a klonopin, we made a frozen pizza, and went on a cleaning spree. Cleaning always makes me feel better, and now I have clean clothes and fresh bed sheets. We also washed, dried, and put away all the dishes in the kitchen. Sometimes it's the little things that make a difference in how you feel.

     I was prescribed Abilify on Wednesday to help with my bursts of anger. Turns out, my insurance doesn't cover it. The cost without insurance is...drumroll please... $1097. What the eff? I can't even wrap my mind around that.

     So, without Abilify, and with no way to get a prescription for something similar without another office visit, I'm stuck for two weeks with this piss poor attitude. I decided I'm going to take this as an opportunity to try to control my emotions without medication, and experiment with different breathing and thinking exercises to help.

     I sat with Joey and had a long conversation about how sorry I am for my behavior, and how I'm going to try everything I can to be more in control of myself. I don't know how he can be so understanding when I'm literally acting like a child. With my dosage of benzodiazepines being lowered so drastically, I can't use medication as a crutch anymore. This whole diagnosis and new medication regimen is going to be a rollercoaster, and I just hope that my relationship with Joey will be strong enough to get through all of the trial and error that's about to come. Medication isn't a new thing for me, but being so aggressively medicated and having to rely on myself to control my anxiety and negative behavior is something new.

     For now, it's Bob's Burgers and Chinese food time. Tomorrow promises to be a better day, and Joey and I made a deal that we would have a great day together tomorrow. I bought a Groupon for a primate sanctuary, so it should be easy to have a good day.